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A bad night

Preface: I have a 2 year old boy and a 5 week old girl. When my "ppd" surfaces, it is usually in the form of anger.

I had a good day, generally. Went to ECFE and struggled to keep my son from running away from me in the library. Came home and let the baby suck on my finger with one hand while reading books to my son with the other to put him to bed. He refused, I prevailed. Managed to get the baby down for a nap, which is very difficult to do, and had an hour or so to myself, during which time I vaccuumed, did dishes, laundry, got spots out of the carpet, and swept the kitchen floor. I even managed to watch some TV and eat. In all, a good day.

My husband comes home to find me walking the baby around in a sling (after she'd been up for some time and was tired again) and my son repeating various requests for me to play. I was fine. I got the girl to sleep, and went to lay her down. My husband was going to take our son to the hardware store and give me a break. Everything was looking great! Then, the baby woke up screaming. I went in and tried to rock her back to sleep. No dice. I tried the swing, I tried bouncing her, walking her, rocking her, anything and everything. Each time, if she did fall asleep, she woke up crying within 5 mns of being laid down.

Throughout this ordeal, my patience got thinner and thinner. The rage built up inside me... I call it rage, but really it's just pure emotion. It could come out in tears, in screams, in violence. But I can't let it out--if I cry, I'll feel even more tired. If I scream, I'll frighten my children. If I act out in violence (throwing something, etc), I set a bad example, scare the kids, break something, make my husband think I'm crazy... and run the risk of giving in to violent impulses while there is something very precious in my arms. It's a horrible idea to feel the urge to throw something, and realize the baby in your arms is item #1. I've always been able to control this rage, but tonight--with fairly little provocation, I really don't understand it--it totally took over. I felt so powerless. I can't play with my kid even if he asks nicely. I can't get my baby to sleep. Lately, she will only sleep if I nurse her and let her fall asleep on my breast in just the right position. Anything less and she screams. She won't take a pacifier, and while I don't like them I wish she'd rely on anything but me at this point! I can't have the luxury of rocking/nursing her to sleep in a dark quiet room when there's a toddler needing me too. I've even looked online for advice on how to juggle the two, and found nothing.

At one point I was so upset (this was after my husband and son left) that I just stood next to her bassinet (when she awoke from being put down) and just watched her scream. I had to turn myself completely off in order to not give in to any of the three rages. I finally picked her up and went to try nursing her again (she spits up frequently and violently, so I can't just nurse her every time she wants to go down; I have to try everything else for an hour until she can nurse again). I got her to sleep! Finally!

And the fucking dog started fucking barking.

I held perfectly still, trying not to tremble with anger. I fantasized about running out here and grabbing the dog, kicking him, screaming at him (none of these things are things I've ever done) ANYTHING to make him stop. I laid the baby down and she's stayed down since. I hope my hub and toddler never come home.

I don't believe in medication. I tried going to a Psych for ppd the first time, and didn't feel like they helped or understood at all. And now, tonight, I really scared myself. It was such a small thing--the baby not going to sleep--and I handled it so poorly! I'm sitting here having a glass of wine, glad I have a husband who understands who will help me and bottle feed her tonight, and debating whether or not to make an appointment and get on some kind of happy pill. I'm sure many many many of you are on such a pill and will sing its praises to me--please don't! I know they work, but I also think they sometimes keep you from dealing with the real issues in your life. I think of them as a last resort, and think they're given out much too easily. And, I've spoken out against happy pills for so long that I feel like if I give in and get some, I'll be a hypocrite. But, this may be the last resort moment, you know?

I think about those women who have done horrible horrible things and used PPD as a defense, and it makes me physically sick. It makes me even sicker that I can relate to what they likely felt. It's this vicious cycle of feeling what I call rage, having to emotionally detach in order to control it, and then ending up with total detachment plus a hormonal urge to do something violent. It's fucking scary, and yet it's the only way I could even deal.

Other times it'll be the smallest little thing that sets me off. Maybe the remote won't work. Most often it's when something either doesn't work or gets stuck. I give in to frustration and let my blood pressure spike, and yet don't act on anything. I think scream therapy might prove very, very helpful. (It's a Chinese? Japanese? form of therapy where you go in a soundproof room and scream until you feel better).

Gah. I can talk to my husband about this but I don't want to scare him or make him think I'm not able to handle something as simple as raising 2 children. I hate the weakness involved in this. I hate that he can't really, truly understand what I'm feeling. And I hate that I don't really understand it either. I hate that this needing to emotionally detach has led to my not being able to bond with my daughter--that and not having the luxury of time to do it!

How I wish I could have a cigarette--it was for years the greatest stress reliever for me. But I've quit twice now, and my husband has made it very clear that if I even had one, he would be incredibly angry (the last time I had one (after having quit) he caught me and screamed obscenities at me in the middle of the night out in front of our house, for all the neighbors to hear. He was drunk, but I digress...)

I don't really need advice. Just a place to bitch and be allowed to say all the horrible things women aren't allowed to think, let alone say, in our society. I'm glad that this community is here, and I don't think there are enough places for women to share these kinds of feelings.

Tags:

Intro

♥ Name and Age: Heidi, 27
♥ Name and birthdate of your child/children: Charlie, 5 months.
♥ Married/Partnered/Single?: Married
♥ What brings you to this commnunity? I recently realized that I might have PPD. I spoke with my doctor just yesterday, and we're trying medication to help me cope with the symptoms.
♥ What do you do to try and help your PPD? (excersize, eat healthy, medication, councelling...?) Since I've only been recently diagnosed, I haven't actively done anything other than start medication just last night. I'm going to join a local support group through the Women's center at the hospital.
♥ Is this your first time with PPD? Yes.
♥ Do you have real life support? Yes, thank goodness.
♥ What do you hope to get from this community? Support, ideas and just comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in going through this.

Intro

♥ Name and Age: Ally, 32
♥ Name and birthdate of your child/children: Due March 21, 2008 (my first)
♥ Married/Partnered/Single?: Single
♥ What brings you to this comminunity? I have been feeling depressed the past week or so and am worried it's just going to get worse after the baby arrives
♥ Do you have real life support? Not much.
♥ What do you hope to get from this community? Support, a place to ask "is this normal" without being judged.
♥ Anything else you would like to share?

Up until now, I was very excited about this baby even though I'm single and I know it will be difficult for me to do this all alone. But lately, when people ask me "are you excited??!" I can barely say yes. I still want the baby but I spend all my free time just sitting around doing nothing, staring at the TV or sleeping. I have no motivation to do anything...I didn't even go to work today. I'm afraid this will continue and I will end up neglecting the baby's needs. I don't have a lot of people to turn to for help although there are programs available here in my community. I just don't have a lot of friends and no family. The friends I do have work, so during the day I'll be totally alone. I'm scared :( Sometimes I think maybe I should of planned to adopt out the baby as some people had suggested in the beginning of my pregnancy but I know I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did that.

Intro

♥ Name and Age: Wendy, 29

♥ Name and birthdate of your child/children: My son Taran is 2, and Anna is now 3 weeks old.

♥ Married/Partnered/Single?: Married

♥ What brings you to this community? PPD, seeking other moms to talk to who are going through the same things

♥ What do you do to try and help your PPD? (exercize, eat healthy, medication, councelling...?) None of the above. My husband tries to give me breaks and stress-relief. I have many friends I can talk to but I'm not comfortable discussing this with them... it's like a weakness, or I think they'll feel I have no right to be depressed because my life seems so "perfect." PPD is one of those "if you haven't felt it, you can't know" things.

♥ Is this your first time with PPD? No--had it with my first son, right up until I got pregnant with my daughter.

♥ Do you have real life support? Pretty much just my husband, who is awesome this time around. He was part of the problem the first time, and now he knows it and knows how to help.

♥ What do you hope to get from this community? Advice, sympathy, ears.

♥ Anything else you would like to share? I'm an at-home mom, and was an English teacher before. Both of my births were out-of-hospital, natural and unmedicated. I've had a very hard time accepting that I have PPD (I don't believe in medications, and have not found counselling to be helpful), since having kids and being an at-home mom has been my dream for years. It's hard to think that my dream come true can cause me to be depressed, you know?

Feb. 8th, 2008

♥ Name and Age: I'd like my identity to remain anonymous, if that's possible... But I'm 26.
♥ Name and birthdate of your child/children: Gabriel, 2 months
♥ Married/Partnered/Single?: Married
♥ What brings you to this comminunity? I need a safe place where I can express my feelings.
♥ What do you do to try and help your PPD? (excersize, eat healthy, medication, councelling...?): Zoloft, exercise, and marijuana. (please don't judge, my doctor is aware).
♥ Is this your first time with PPD? I've been dealing with PPD since I came home from the hospital.
♥ Do you have real life support? It's not that I don't have the support, it's that I have a hard time talking about it.
♥ What do you hope to get from this community? A safe place to vent without anybody passing judgement, where I can get safe and sound advice from people who have lived through it, or who are going through it right now.
♥ Anything else you would like to share?

--- My apologies for being semi-cryptic. And any cryptic posts in the future.
I've been dealing with some major depression since my son was born, and environmental factors don't quite help much. It was by the advice of a friend who knows I need to reach out, but understands that... I really have a hard time talking about this with my friends.

It's quite hard, really. A lot is bottling up inside me. I have tons of friends to talk to, but.. nobody who's been there, or who is going through it. I need people who won't pass judgment and who will understand my ventings.

just feeling hopeless

Is it possible to have PPD even a year or more after you have a child?? Because lately, I can't help but feel that I would have been better off in life if I had an abortion at 2wks. These thoughts keep spiraling deeper and deeper, so much that sometimes I feel physically sick b/c of guilt. I cannot afford help, so I am seeking advice from ppl who have had these same thoughts before . . . .

Introduction

♥ Name and Age: Trista, 25
♥ Name and birthdate of your child/children: My son Roman is almost 8 months, born May 28th and my step-daughter Madison is 20 months, born May 2nd 2006.
♥ Married/Partnered/Single?: Married
♥ What brings you to this comminunity? Seeking people going through or have gone through the same type of situation I'm going through.
♥ What do you do to try and help your PPD? Well, I've just recently figured out that it's probably ppd that I'm suffering from so I'm still doing some research on it.
♥ Is this your first time with PPD? Yes
♥ Do you have real life support? My husband
♥ What do you hope to get from this community? Friendship, advice...
♥ Anything else you would like to share?
I've been so good up until about the past 2 or 3 months as far as my attitude toward my life in general. It seems like these last few months I have no energy yet I can't sleep. I don't want to eat hardly, I find myself questioning all the time as to whether I still love my husband and want to be married or not. I get frustrated with my son over lack of sleep and feel so guilty for even thinking of getting frustrated. Half the time I just want to leave Roman with my husband and run away for however long, just so I can be by myself. I'm not positive it's ppd I'm suffering from however I can't explain what else it could be so I'm hopeing to meet some of you and maybe help myself out of this.

Also, I have no health insurance anymore so going to a doctor is kind of out of the question so if anyone has any suggestions they would be greatly appreciated.

Question

Question: is PPD an unexplainable depression or can it be brought on by situations?  I'm never really angry or depressed for no reason, but more from infuriating situations at home.  This triggers it then I just seem to spiral downwards from there and can't seem to get out.  Also, can it be prevelant in certain situations?  For example, I react more when I'm home but can somehow find a way to enjoy myself at work or my studio.  I think that may be why I don't consider myself depressed but more just fighting some life changes.

Vitamin B?

I noticed that "vitamin B" is one of the tags in this community.  What kind of effect does this have on PPD?

Nov. 26th, 2007

 ♥ Name and Age: Andi, 30

♥ Name and birthdate of your child/children: Sophia, August 14, 2007

♥ Married/Partnered/Single?: Married

♥ What brings you to this comminunity? Not sure.

♥ What do you do to try and help your PPD? I don't even know if this is what it is...

♥ Is this your first time with PPD?  Maybe

♥ Do you have real life support?  Yes

♥ What do you hope to get from this community?  answers

♥ Anything else you would like to share? Is it possible to have PPD 3 months after the birth?  Maybe I was supressing it?  I've had so much going on that maybe I wasn't paying attention to how I was feeling.  Ugh, this is frustrating.  It makes me feel guilty to complain about my problems.  I feel so selfish.  My life is so different and I'm not sure I like it.  It's been so hard sharing it with someone else so intimately.  I feel like I've been backed into a corner and I'm going to miss out on so much.  I don't resent her so much- I love her so much.  I just feel so held back- like the pregnancy messed up my body so much that I'm not the same person.  I don't want to be someone different.  I'm not even sure if this is depression- I don't think about suicide or hurting anyone.  I just feel listless sometimes.  I've been working out but then find myself coming home and stuffing my face, like I'm medicating with food.  I get upset with my hubby- cussed him out the other day for getting me pregnant because I'm not in shape enough to fit into my clothes- like it was his fault, poor guy.  And yet, I eat more...